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Apologies

rco-2
I appear to have survived another Winter, and the usual snowy spring, and I'm poking my head above ground to apologize for my long absence. Which is not the only reason I'm writing this post; I'm also writing because of something that happened to my oldest son this afternoon.

He does volunteer work at a library in order to fulfil his community service requirement (a necessity if he wants to graduate high school). While he was waiting at the bus stop to return home, someone approached him. (ETA: my husband wants me to point out that it's necessary to do volunteer work within the community for anyone to graduate high school; it's not community service in lieu of time served.)

I've mentioned this someone before in a prior post, but in case you don't want to go back and read it there, I'll include it in a blockquote here:


An interesting thing occurred yesterday when my two sons were on the way to their school: as they were attempting to navigate a rush-hour bus to exit at their stop, one of the other passengers started to shout at my youngest.

My oldest, when telling me about this, said, "He was in his twenties, not dressed very well, and in a really bad mood. He could have been drunk, or on drugs, or he could have been angry at us because we're in school uniforms and he might've resented us because he thought we were rich or something.

"If he'd shouted at me, I'd've ignored it, because I don't care. But sometimes (younger son) gets upset when people are screaming at him, and I didn't want him to freeze up and miss the stop. So I intervened."

The first paragraph was what he was thinking at the time. He does evaluate his situation, and he does it pretty constantly, trying to understand what's happened and why; he is, at this point, incisive and insightful--but he didn't start out that way. He didn't think my younger son had pushed the hostile passenger or otherwise gotten in his way, because his reaction would have been different in that case.

In this case, he reacted by mocking the angry person, which drew his attention away from the younger child until they could both leave the bus. And the man did threaten to punch his glasses through his face, etc., etc., but my son felt that this was unlikely to occur on a full bus. And, you know, it is never ever going to upset his mother if he takes a few risks in defence of his younger brother. Ever.


Yes. The young man who approached my son today was the man who had reacted so strongly on the bus. My younger son had bumped into the man while in full school back-pack, and my guess is he didn't realize it.

My older son didn't immediately recognize the man of this anecdote, and wouldn't have associated him with the event because it was short and it happened a while ago now; the man, however, recognized him. He approached my son to apologize for the way he'd reacted; he told my son he'd nearly lost his footing, which actually startled him enough to scare him, and his reactions came out of that.

In retrospect, he realized what had happened, and realized that my oldest son's less-than-polite response was the result of a desire to protect his younger brother -- and he wanted to both apologize and to let my son know that he thought that watching out for one's kid brother was the right thing to do.

My son was surprised, but happy. He has always been aware that everyone has bad days, because he has them and he can extrapolate--he didn't automatically assume that the man on the bus was somehow evil, or that his anger was motivated by personal enmity. But it was a nice reinforcement of what he intellectually knows.

We all have bad days; when we have them in public, there's always a chance that the single impression we'll have a chance to leave on a total stranger is going to be a bad one. We often regret the inability to sit on the stress in a way that doesn't splatter it (figuratively) across the landscape.

But I think very, very few people would approach a total stranger to apologize for the severity of his reaction; people often have a problem apologizing to people they've known for years. I think it takes a particular kind of courage, because there's no guarantee at all that the apology will be accepted or appreciated, and the act of apology is also in some ways an act of vulnerability.

So I wanted to mention this in the same forum in which I mentioned the previous incident -- and if, by some small chance -- the man involved is reading this, to say Thank You.

Comments

( 32 comments — Leave a comment )
kateelliott
May. 15th, 2011 04:18 am (UTC)
Wow. Life IS surprising! Thanks for sharing.
manga_crow
May. 15th, 2011 04:20 am (UTC)
That story makes me really happy for some reason. I love when my cynicism gets broken through for a moment^^
rowyn
May. 15th, 2011 04:32 am (UTC)
That is really cool! I'm glad you posted the follow-up. :)
nagasvoice
May. 15th, 2011 04:56 am (UTC)
How wonderful!
estara
May. 15th, 2011 07:22 am (UTC)
Yay for you surviving winter and for your son's reinforcement of the belief that people can have bad days and good days!

Three cheers for the man who had the guts to apologize to a total stranger!!!
stephanieburgis
May. 15th, 2011 07:31 am (UTC)
That is a great story. Thanks for posting it!
mizkit
May. 15th, 2011 07:44 am (UTC)
Wow. What a terrific human being the shouting man turned out to be. Wow. What a wonderful story!
la_marquise_de_
May. 15th, 2011 08:35 am (UTC)
That's rather lovely.
jhghendriks
May. 15th, 2011 09:29 am (UTC)
So there is hope for the world after all.
mtlawson
May. 15th, 2011 10:24 am (UTC)
You ain't kidding that the world is a small place.

Oh, and welcome back!
msagara
May. 16th, 2011 03:14 am (UTC)
Thank you - I hope to be back as the days get longer :)
twiegand
May. 15th, 2011 10:38 am (UTC)
That's awesome. I'm sorry that I didn't get to see you when I was visiting last weekend. Hope you had a great Mother's Day. Thank you for the books.
kythiaranos
May. 15th, 2011 12:26 pm (UTC)
Classy! Kudos all around (and especially to your son for protecting his brother without overreacting).
parsleigh
May. 15th, 2011 12:44 pm (UTC)
What a great outcome for all involved.
triciasullivan
May. 15th, 2011 02:22 pm (UTC)
That is a moving story. Thanks for posting.
mmarques
May. 15th, 2011 02:28 pm (UTC)
What a lovely surprise!
tinachristopher
May. 15th, 2011 02:39 pm (UTC)
Welcome back and thanks for sharing. I am amazed the young man took the time.
maiac
May. 15th, 2011 04:32 pm (UTC)
That ending is the way the world really should be. Thanks for telling us about it.
wolfsilveroak
May. 15th, 2011 04:33 pm (UTC)
They did the community service as a graduate requirement when I was in high school as well.

That said, wow. What an unexpected bit of humanity.}:)
amergina
May. 15th, 2011 07:01 pm (UTC)
Wow! But a nice surprise!
teenagewitch
May. 15th, 2011 08:35 pm (UTC)
Welcome back.
msagara
May. 16th, 2011 03:15 am (UTC)
Thank you - I always feel a little guilty for the absence, but I reach a state of mind where I feel incapable of adding anything but gloom or grey to any conversation, so I tend to be totally silent then; it's honestly an act of mercy.
damedini
May. 15th, 2011 10:02 pm (UTC)
Well there's a happy ending! Go Older Son!
trektone
May. 16th, 2011 05:18 am (UTC)
What a nice follow-up!

Btw, did you get the box I left at the store last month?
msagara
May. 16th, 2011 05:30 am (UTC)
I did! I sent email. I think I sent email.

They were lovely and very unusual. When you were in TO, did you visit Soma? (Chocolates)
trektone
May. 17th, 2011 05:02 am (UTC)
Yay! If I did get your email I must've accidentally deleted it without reading it. Dang.

I had Soma on my to-do list if I had time, but alas not enough. Hopefully next time! Are you a fan of Soma Chocolates?

I have yet to write about it, but I was saddened Greg's Ice Cream did not seem to be as good as before. :(
msagara
May. 17th, 2011 05:07 am (UTC)
I really like some of the Soma chocolates - even the odd ones (Douglas Fir, which actually does sort of taste like the essence of pine tree scent in a chocolate). Are you traveling to conventions much? World Fantasy this year?
trektone
May. 17th, 2011 05:35 am (UTC)
Worldcon because Reno's easy. A small con in Utah over Memorial Day. World Fantasy - just checked and they've hit their membership cap (probably due to Neil Gaiman).

I was kind of considering Confluence, depending on my work schedule. You'll be there this year?
msagara
May. 17th, 2011 05:40 am (UTC)
I was kind of considering Confluence, depending on my work schedule. You'll be there this year?

Yes! We're going to Confluence, and at this point, we (this would be Thomas and I, not a corporate we) plan to head to Reno - which reminds me to check for programming email. We might head out to WFC, membership cap notwithstanding, but we're not sure.
trektone
May. 17th, 2011 07:36 pm (UTC)
Oh, good! May I put in a request now to dine with you/y'all during Renovation?
dansa
May. 17th, 2011 01:14 am (UTC)
Hooray people!
rylliana
May. 30th, 2011 06:06 am (UTC)
Faith isn't always misplaced
I came across this more or less randomly from a link posted in an interview with you and I thought I would take a second to thank you for posting this. I happened to have a series of awful days this week. I was, in fact, just a smidge away from deciding that all people are pretty much baseless jackasses at heart. This is a fairly common attitude in my profession, unfortunately (since I work in retail pharmacy), but I generally manage to avoid the attitude. I was depressed at the realization that everything that happened this week was conspiring to attempt to make me change my stance - it's nice to know that my normal, upbeat and positive outlook on humanity has some solid ground under it. So thank you. :)
( 32 comments — Leave a comment )